A melody that penetrates to the core,
the memory of your laugh.
It dances across my thoughts,
I can almost hear it in its absence.
As you slip through my mind,
like a ghost in a haunted house,
I sense my fury rise.
Why did we have to depart from each other?
Your face I can no longer see,
but your voice remains.
How did we fall into different eternities?
Well then loop chaser
how long before you bite your tail?
running endless towards your pride
and laying down yourself for yourself.
Sweat it out.
Exercise your mind into compliance.
I can’t taste the bitter bile that usually comes with this emotion.
Why do I always find myself here?
Completely enraptured in suppressed and denied rage.
When will I learn to acknowledge my feelings that don’t fit the pretty cookie cutter?
Here I am. Weary.
Years of this has taken its toll on my heart.
Funny that in a flicker an entire view can change.
Where did that flicker leave me now?
A snowflake that started an avalanche.
A love laid out for my life.
even when I betray and turn
you are sure
never once did my unfaithfulness intimidate you
my forgetfulness was met with mercy
Funny, isn’t it.
How you were a stranger,
then an enemy,
and possibly more.
When did the sparks catch?
I did not notice it myself …Did you?
How frustrating to my pride
that you would have so much in common
nearly all my aspirations and dreams are matched
who are you?
Where did you come from?
Why do I have to be intrigued?
I don’t want this to become love
but you’re an intriguing distraction.
An entitled life to live,
They scream “More, now”.
To act as though blameless
And verging on deity.
a mindset of “Accept me now”.
“I will not change who I am”.
Then answer me.
Who will carry this world into the future –
Not by intelligence but character.
Who is going to act out,
Real humanity in love.
When the world is addicted to lust.
But no backbone.
A flying fish crashing into rocks.
Isn’t it funny to think, that moving to the opposite side of the globe could feel so casual.
As my friends keep reminding me, its no little thing and couldn’t bring themselves to do the same.
To be honest I don’t see the drama, I won’t lie it does hurt and ache in moments but this doesn’t feel like the end of the world.
That even this is doesn’t seem completely alien, reveals a thickness of skin I never knew.
Maybe it’s because I was made for this? To be an adventurer away from the home comfort, to walk into the unknown and distant. What is yet ahead of me?
Sitting there, waiting.
As people rushed past to catch their flights, the occasional teary eyed passenger saying goodbyes to solemn friends and family. We sat at a greasy table in pregnant silence, consuming overpriced, watery coffee and pastries. My brothers making dad jokes to lighten the mood but instead emphasising the weight of this pause.
For the first time in my life we small-talked, mentioning awkward news and facts, we had become distant before I had even left.
I saw you trying to hide your sobs by queuing for another drink, but I couldn’t face acknowledging it because it would make this moment real. As mum went to ‘pay for your drink’ everyone did their usual cover-the-bluff as if to hide the emotions that were plaguing the departure gate.
In hindsight, I notice, no one asked about things far off maybe because we didn’t want to admit to ourselves the truth of 11 months without me visiting home.
It was awkward for you to go back to your everyday life and see my absence in every space I used to fill. But I was stepping into a new unknown, everything was without you, so I did not feel the absence just yet.
So here we sat together, but our thoughts far away. Waiting. Counting down the moments till I had to go.
And then it came. It was as though there was no one in the big white building apart from us, I don’t remember any other sound than the words that caught in our throats. Tears finally came to me for the first time as the numbness left and could feel it pierce.
One last turn to say goodbye and then everything came crashing back into sound and colour as I stepped forward towards the surreal motion of the conveyor belts.
“Please remove any coats and jackets and wait till called through”
I’ll take care of my fragile heart
and overcrowded mind.
I’ll take off my mask
and let my love show.
This is a strange revelation
to be so aware of my facade
and shifting within.
This image is glimpse of a holiday years ago in the country.
The choice to move away from every face and place I have ever known.
Out into the unknown I stepped, leaving peace and comfort behind.
At first it was like a holiday, my heart in denial, I couldn’t fathom I would have to stay.
Then slowly it appeared .
The realisation I had to stay.
Alone for the time-being.
But growing less so by the day.
No one can warn you how it feels
because it is so unique to each person.
To my friend it was silent tears at night and withdrawing from social interaction.
I had moments of avalanche, uncontrollable misery crashing down on me.
To another it was a simple negative attitude towards everything.
I am learning to plant myself and grow here.
When all my instincts want to fly home and continue growing in soil that isn’t meant for me.
How strange to see ones circle back
and others away, never to be seen.
I was too free with my heart,
lending it to anyone who set it alight.
Now they are gone,
taking my memories with them.
People are wrong to think only a lover can break your heart.
Is that all it was to you?
To not even be part of your occasional,
let alone your everyday.
You are a ghost now,
gone to the person who couldn’t share.
We shared our darkest and loved still,
but it wasn’t enough to keep you.
We let go for a second
and now you’re lost in the fog.
I doubt we’ll ever meet again.
A thought I wrote a few months ago and rediscovered :
“The startling emotion of future becoming past.
Time developing and hearts growing,
slipping into the rhythm of life.
Crazy highs and unexpected lows,
unrelentingly charging me down.
Am I really in control?
Or is this all playing itself out?
Thoughts unfolding into action,
without any consideration.
Regret and envy pursuing every spark and motion,
but only I get to choose.
When everything that is coming is gone,
what will be left of you?”