Sitting there, waiting.
As people rushed past to catch their flights, the occasional teary eyed passenger saying goodbyes to solemn friends and family. We sat at a greasy table in pregnant silence, consuming overpriced, watery coffee and pastries. My brothers making dad jokes to lighten the mood but instead emphasising the weight of this pause.
For the first time in my life we small-talked, mentioning awkward news and facts, we had become distant before I had even left.
I saw you trying to hide your sobs by queuing for another drink, but I couldn’t face acknowledging it because it would make this moment real. As mum went to ‘pay for your drink’ everyone did their usual cover-the-bluff as if to hide the emotions that were plaguing the departure gate.
In hindsight, I notice, no one asked about things far off maybe because we didn’t want to admit to ourselves the truth of 11 months without me visiting home.
It was awkward for you to go back to your everyday life and see my absence in every space I used to fill. But I was stepping into a new unknown, everything was without you, so I did not feel the absence just yet.
So here we sat together, but our thoughts far away. Waiting. Counting down the moments till I had to go.
And then it came. It was as though there was no one in the big white building apart from us, I don’t remember any other sound than the words that caught in our throats. Tears finally came to me for the first time as the numbness left and could feel it pierce.
One last turn to say goodbye and then everything came crashing back into sound and colour as I stepped forward towards the surreal motion of the conveyor belts.
“Please remove any coats and jackets and wait till called through”
The choice to move away from every face and place I have ever known.
Out into the unknown I stepped, leaving peace and comfort behind.
At first it was like a holiday, my heart in denial, I couldn’t fathom I would have to stay.
Then slowly it appeared .
The realisation I had to stay.
Alone for the time-being.
But growing less so by the day.
No one can warn you how it feels
because it is so unique to each person.
To my friend it was silent tears at night and withdrawing from social interaction.
I had moments of avalanche, uncontrollable misery crashing down on me.
To another it was a simple negative attitude towards everything.
I am learning to plant myself and grow here.
When all my instincts want to fly home and continue growing in soil that isn’t meant for me.
How strange to see ones circle back
and others away, never to be seen.
I was too free with my heart,
lending it to anyone who set it alight.
Now they are gone,
taking my memories with them.
People are wrong to think only a lover can break your heart.
Is that all it was to you?
To not even be part of your occasional,
let alone your everyday.
You are a ghost now,
gone to the person who couldn’t share.
We shared our darkest and loved still,
but it wasn’t enough to keep you.
We let go for a second
and now you’re lost in the fog.
I doubt we’ll ever meet again.
A thought I wrote a few months ago and rediscovered :
“The startling emotion of future becoming past.
Time developing and hearts growing,
slipping into the rhythm of life.
Crazy highs and unexpected lows,
unrelentingly charging me down.
Am I really in control?
Or is this all playing itself out?
Thoughts unfolding into action,
without any consideration.
Regret and envy pursuing every spark and motion,
but only I get to choose.
When everything that is coming is gone,
what will be left of you?”
How can I describe my home to you?
When you’ve never tasted the smog in the sweltering heat of summer,
its polluted fumes dancing in your lungs.
You have not known the hum of the city,
its bustling essence always there but never noticed,
a constant reminder of lives in motion.
You will never know what it’s like to have music flow through your veins like lifeblood,
a heritage so rich but undiscovered by the world,
the heartbeat of my city is a history lesson in music.
You don’t know what it’s like to have 8.63 million hearts colliding daily,
each story a testimony of love, joy and loneliness.
Summer of sixteen
we found each other.
Determined not let the grief overwhelm
and desperate to be older simply to sing the song.
As the hazy sun never faltered,
all I remember is your hammock
and the trees.
Consumed with thoughts of who we would be,
well thats not exactly true,
boys took up space too.
We were so fearless and bold.
We were wild and free, living our tangled lives.
All our darkness bleached clean in the joyful sunshine.
I can still taste our companionship,
living as best as we could
and revelling in the mystery.